November 28, 2012

Fears of online dating

I had dinner with Kara tonight and we got on the topic of online dating. Specifically how I should try it. I kept telling her no, no, no, it's not for me. I know it works for people and I think that's great but I just don't feel comfortable with it. At least not yet, but maybe I'll try it in the future. And she kept pushing me to explain the why of it all.

Reason #1: I sort of feel like I'm filling out an application for a boyfriend.
Her response: Stop looking at it that way. It's so you can be properly matched. (I immediately thought of Ally Condie after typing that.)

Reason #2: Just because a person seems good on paper, that doesn't necessarily give me a sense of what he's really like. (What I didn't say out loud: In other words.. HE COULD BE A SERIAL KILLER.)
Her response: You can read between the lines of their responses. (I'm not sure I agree but moving on.)

Reason #3: I think that I can better judge a person's character or see if we have any chemistry face-to-face versus online.
Her response: Talking online or over the phone already lets you get an idea of what they're like and then you don't have to waste time meeting them in person if you don't like them.

Then before I could continue with my negative reasoning, she hits me with this: you need to get over yourself. (Um, hey now!) I kid, I actually love how honest she is and I know she's saying this because she cares. Plus at the end of the day, it's just advice and it's up to me to take it or not. She started saying how most people either meet in school, work or online now. That she knows I want to meet someone the traditional way but it's not like I go to clubs or bars and I wouldn't want to meet a guy like that anyway (so true). So I need to let go of this idea that I might meet someone at the library or through a friend because it's not going to happen. For the record though, I was thinking more Barnes & Noble, not the library. Just saying.

I guess that's my problem. I'm not ready to give up on that idea. Which of course makes me to blame for my singleness too. I'm not exactly putting myself out there. Wherever "there" is (goodness I hate that phrase). Argh. Maybe I should give online dating a try next year. It's supposed to be my year of big changes, right? Am I over-thinking this?

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Sidenote: Since Kara was sort of implying that I'm not meeting or talking to new people, I brought up bookish buddies that I talk to on Twitter or through my blog and the occasional person I've met IRL as a result. And she gave me this look like, see you're meeting people online already. And what could I say to that? WE ALL LIKE THE SAME BOOKS SO IT'S OKAY. Something tells me she wouldn't buy that answer. But it makes perfect sense to me :) 

13 comments:

  1. I think it is entirely possible to be friends with people you've met online. Most of my best bookish friends are people I haven't even met in person yet! Hopefully, that gets remedied sooner rather than later...

    But online dating is a different sort of thing, and I can understand the hesitation. I'm curious to see what you'll decide!

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    1. EXACTLY. I think it's possible to be friends with people you've met online too. I mean, look at us! But I can't help but think online dating is different. If I decide to take the plunge, I will let you know.

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  2. Um, hello! I think I've said this to you a lot. A lot! But Kara is right, you are meeting people online and maintaining friendships with them and this could be the same kind of thing. Also, a good friend of mine recently started using a dating website and basically has someone shuffling through the guys and picking them out. The helpful person has been successful with this once before, so it might help to make it so that you have someone to help you get through the crappy people.

    I know I've also suggested you joining some kind of club. A lot of reading clubs do have males in them (SHOCKING) but you could do that and it's a great avenue to meet more people, open up, and who knows who you would meet THROUGH them too. Ya know? You have to take everything you do as an opportunity.

    :)

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    1. I know, you've said this to me too. I guess the way she told me to get over myself and to stop letting my pride get in the way sort of.. took me by surprise? I mean, I'm still not jumping on the online dating wagon yet. But I do need to start doing SOMETHING. I like the idea of a reading club. I will look into that tomorrow! :)

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  3. HEY!!! I've said this to you too!!! Join me on the dark side - I'm in the same boat as you woman! :)

    Trust me, I don't like the idea of online dating crap, but at this point I don't really know what else to do. I've taken cooking courses, go to the gym everyday, etc. Granted, my main focus of being at these places isn't to pick up someone, but I thought it would help, or make things easier to meet people, but it hasn't.

    Let me know what you want to do - we can do this together! :) And if nothing happens, at least we'll have good laughs!

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    1. Haha I know I know. But like I just wrote, it was the way she told me to get over myself and to stop letting my pride get in the way that took me by surprise. I'm not ready to give into the dark side yet but more and more I'm thinking maybe I have to? We'll see!!

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  4. I'm someone who is considering the online dating thing. In fact, I've filled out the profile.. just haven't hit the subscribe button yet (that stuff is expensive btw! lol) I tossed and turned the idea for awhile. I hate, HATE, putting myself out there. It's so scary. But then I realized.. the dude is not going to walk up to my door and knock on it, even though that would be creepy. Try to consider online dating as just another avenue to connecting with someone.. and then you could always MEET them at a Barnes & Noble ;)

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    1. I totally agree about the whole online thing being way to expensive! I refuse to pay for it, so I've only used services where you don't have to pay - ie, Coffee Meets Bagel, and OKcupid. No real notable connections though, unfortunately....

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    2. Hahah what? He's not just going appear magically in front of me? ;) My friend something similar to me over dinner. She asked me what I'M doing and where do I go to meet guys? Of course, I had no idea because I haven't done anything. It really is scary to put yourself out there.. so I definitely sympathize. Let me know if you decide to hit the subscribe button!

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  5. I met my boyfriend on ok cupid! I wasn't even looking for a boyfriend. I just made a profile out of boredom. My (now boyfriend) sent me a message though, and we've been together for 3 years now! It can work. You just have to be vigilant for the creeps.

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    1. Wow that's so great! I do hear a lot of success stories. Maybe I will try it next year, we'll seee!

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  6. This comment is so late, and you don't know me from Adam--but I just wanted to chime in as another person who met their significant other online. :) I posted a "Girlfriend Application" (which is actually what they called it, cringe) onto a singles LiveJournal communication, and looked around for other posters relatively close to my area. I found a few I liked, contacted a few--and one of the girls I contacted is now wife, five years later. :)

    I think there's a difference between "online dating," which implies having a relationship with someone only over the Internet, and "meeting someone online to date," which strikes me as no different from going to a bar or a club. But, I'm sure you've already heard this! Whatever you decide, good luck. <3

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    1. Thank for your comment! And wow, that's amazing for you and your wife! I like your explanation of the difference between online dating and meeting someone online to date. I have heard similar responses but you phrased it really well :) I am considering it!

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